The Place I'm At

A former mentor once told me that one of his greatest wishes for his students is choice. At the time I had no idea what he meant and thought that he must just be talking out of his ass. Now I know - the man was a sadist. Choice, as it turns out, is both a blessing and a curse. At certain points in life, Choice is just a cold-hearted bitch.

My friend Donny tells me that I'm experiencing my Saturn return. What the fuck is this? you might ask. First of all, let me say that I don't completely buy into astrology. I know many people who do and who aren't total kooks, but I myself am not one to buy into any popular school of philosophy wholeheartedly. It's the cynic in me. Technically, I'm an agnostic, although I hate telling people that because it sounds like such a liberal cliche. So when asked about my spiritual views, I often say that I'm an atheist, followed by "And no I don't want your Christing brochure, now fuck off!" But in reality, I'm pretty open to the thought that there's something larger at work, just nothing that popular theology addresses, ergo the agnostic label.

Having given this disclaimer (and hopefully convinced you that I'm not a dippy new-ager, sitting here playing Dungeons and Dragons at this very minute), I'll explain this Saturn return business. According to astrologers, Saturn's placement at the time of your birth predestines your fears, limitations, ambitions and senses of discipline and responsibility. Every 29.5 years Saturn completes its revolution around the Sun, and according to astrologers this means that around your 29th year of life Saturn has run its course through your chart and returns to the point it occupied at the time of your birth. This supposedly shakes all your shit up and makes you question the path you're on, the choices you've made, the person you've become and hope to be. You reassess and gain new perspectives. It is considered a rebirth, the true transition into adulthood. And it is said to be fucking painful.

Again, I am the constant skeptic. So while the Saturn return theory definitely strikes a cord, I'm also prone to believe that life is just plain fucked right now by pure chance. Or more accurately, by my own complacence and tendency to take things for granted. Let me provide some backstory:

In January, I ended a 4 1/2 year relationship. Aaron and I met in the summer of 2003 and almost instantly became each others confidants, companions, lovers and partners. It was the longest relationship I had ever had, and the most committed I had ever been. Our friends and acquaintances often described us as the poster couple, their models for a successful adult relationship. We moved to the city together, we bought a dog together, we backpacked through Europe together. We leaned on and confided in each other. We were a team. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone. He knew me as much as I knew myself.
I'll save you most of the gory details and heartbreak. Put simply, things turned ugly. We had rushed into such a serious relationship without realizing that we were very different people who wanted very different things in life, and so it ended. I moved out. I lost him, I lost the dog, I lost the apartment and the person that had been home. At around the same time, I also got a new job and, obviously, a new apartment. So yeah, basically my life was totally rearranged, and almost half a year later I'm still reeling from it.

So that's my inciting incident, the cause of my present feelings of instability. I still wonder if I did the right thing by ending it. Aaron's a wonderful guy. He's handsome. He's genuine. He's incredibly kind and warm. He treated me like I was a prince. I'm well aware that I'll possibly never find someone else as good as him, which is a scary thought. And then there's the little fact that I still love him and probably always will. I think of him often and agonize myself wondering if he thinks of me just as much. At times I feel a burning hatred towards him for no apparent reason, but I am simultaneously desperate for him. This is a brand new kind of hurt and I still haven't figured out how to fix it. Part of me says to move on, that break ups happen and eventually you make a new and hopefully better life for yourself. But another part says not to put him out of my mind, we're actually just taking some time apart so don't wander too far away - this time has only made you realize what you really mean to each other - you're going to get back together and this time you won't take each other for granted. How do I know which side is right?

To compound the situation, I'm now faced with multiple paths to choose from in the most quotidian of decisions. For instance, I get home from work or class and there's no one to wait for or waiting for me. I'm suddenly faced with choice - How do I do dinner for 1? Or should I go out to eat? And if so, who should I call to go with me? Should we make a night of it? But wait, I don't have that many options for dinner companions anyway because for so long I put all my energy into 1 person and didn't really explore outside relationships very much. I'm Fucked!

At times, the place I'm at does feel exciting and fresh, but at other times it feels like I've wavered a bit too much on a high wire, my stomach lurches and I know I'm about to get a face full of floor. So is Saturn the guy taking the trusty umbrella out of my hand? Could be. At the very least, it's reassuring that someone has come up with an explanation for all the upheaval. Still, if anyone knows of a quick way out of this or the best path to choose, I'm open to suggestions.